rest

On June 27th, 2023 Lewis Capaldi officially announced his hiatus from touring, citing “the impact of Tourette Syndrome” as part of his decision, one discussed in his award-winning documentary How I’m Feeling Now. He did not take this decision lightly, empathizing with fans about how disappointing it is to look forward to a tour that’s been postponed—and the costs associated with it.

There’s no doubt that Capaldi loves touring, his fans, and the ability to play music in front of thousands each night. As a fellow Touretter, I’m thrilled that there is both representation of Tourette’s and the need for rest from such an international star. But I most resonate with the final part of his Instagram statement, which apologizes for rest while simultaneously justifying it: “I’m so incredibly sorry to everyone who had planned to come to a show before the end of the year but I need to feel well to perform at the standard you all deserve.”

While I’ve hardly achieved the same elevated status as fellow Touretters like Capaldi, Billie Eilish, Howie Mandel, Steve Wallace, and others, I’ve achieved a lot in my life. I’ve been Key Club President, a foster for kittens, a published writer, musician, and so much more. This confuses people when I do desire rest.

There are days when I can indulge in spontaneous plans. On other days, I need to reschedule advanced ones. It’s all up to my body, which cannot be tamed on a whim. During times of stress it can flare up, waxing and waning as it pleases.

But you were fine yesterday; you’ve pushed through it before, I think, an echo of others’ sentiments when I cancel or postpone plans. It also shapes others’ decisions about whether or not to include me at all. Their explanation is usually, “I didn’t think you’d want to come” or “It would be too stressful for you.”

This leads to shame, guilt, and feeling excluded, just for being in an unruly body; requests to forgo my comfort and embrace pain for the sake of others’ needs are seen as the “right” thing to do. While there are many times wherein I believe in pushing through (if possible), like an important celebration or funeral, it can be stressful on the body if the brain decides it’s a “tic-ier” day. It often results in having to take muscle relaxers, sedatives, and pain relievers to get back to a manageable spot.

Yet I still feel the need to apologize.

Many with Tourette Syndrome are encouraged to push past these difficulties, which is why you don’t often see people disclose their Tourette’s. As a child, my neurologist focused on controlling and eliminating the tics he believed were temporary…and my fault. He blamed chocolate, video games, SpongeBob, anything but a disability. So the masking began—and worked—and continued throughout my childhood and teen years. I was an honor roll student, involved in many service clubs and honor societies. I hung out with friends, pushing through the discomfort for the most part and making up an elaborate excuse when I couldn’t.

I believed my tics were a personal failure…until my late diagnosis at 22, long after my tics “should” have left. I had to confront the fact that rest was not a privilege, yet the guilt of canceling or modifying plans remained.

Like many others in the world, doomscrolling TikTok is a favorite pastime. User Vermin and the Rats (with a green pixie cut I wish I could pull off) confronts me with truths: “Is it possible you tie your sense of self-worth to your productivity and your ability to help others, and that’s why you feel so guilty when you’re not able to be productive and you have to rest? That you’ve been masking your disabilities for so long, that you genuinely don’t know how to gauge what your needs are?”

It’s Just Nerves: Notes on a Disability by Kelly Davio is an essay collection chronicling the author’s experience as a disabled person in the 21st century. She writes, “If you are going to disclose your illness, our culture tells us, you had better do it in a way as to make other people feel gratitude for their own good health, to take advantage of their robust bodies….” My addition? If you disclose your illness, you better be a superhuman of sorts. A gold-winning athlete. A wildly successful musical artist. Even then, you’ll still need to apologize for the need to rest. After all, your exceptionalism is waning, which is unacceptable.

In many programs across the United States, services for disabled students are referred to as ”Exceptional Education.” If you happen to be “gifted” AND disabled, you’re labeled as “Twice Exceptional.” Disability, as mainstream culture understands it, cannot inherently be associated with anything good at all; it must be paired with something to “make” it okay. In this case, being exceptional is the only acceptable way to exist in a disabled body. Don’t believe me? Just look at inspiration porn, or the objectification of disabled people to make able-bodied people feel better about their own lives.

When people respond to me with “That’s okay” or “You’re still such a capable woman” after explaining how my Tourette’s works, I get frustrated. Of course it’s okay. I never said anything about my capabilities. I never apologized for my existence.

It’s hard to correct them outright. I’ve even had to correct myself when I’ve thought or said something similar to people with other disabilities. It’s hardwired into so many brains that disability cannot coincide with anything neutral or good, even if you’ve lived it. The only way out of it is to rest boldly. After all, one of the primary tenets of disability justice is rest. No maybes, buts, ifs, or sorries. Just rest.

To practice, I’ve been typing out and removing apologies from my requests to postpone or skip events. I often still leave them out of fear or guilt, but I’m slowly improving my self-advocacy, simply taking the rest I’m allowed to take. I can no longer feel the need to “make up” for the way I exist “proving” exceptionality.

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Gretchen Gales (she/her) writes…a lot. After realizing becoming a veterinarian meant being good at math, she pursued writing and teaching as a career instead. You can find more of her written and artsy stuff at www.writinggales.com.