Tender Pain: Finding Access Intimacy in Kink
I have a confession to make: being a trans survivor of sexual assault and abuse has made me afraid of people. But not in the ways you think.
Walking down the street before COVID-19 became an everpresent part of my life, I used to be uneasy around people for understandable reasons.
Would that woman tell me my outfit was slutty and deserving of ridicule?
Would that person leer at me on the bus because I looked too much like a man in his eyes?
Would that crowd of people just stare, always in the same way, as if to say I was not a human worthy of respect?
To survivors reading this, I am certain these are not unfamiliar thoughts, particularly if you are a woman of color in white spaces.
But ever since COVID-19 has moved from public policy to an aspect of “normal” people’s lives, like getting a flu shot, something about the way they stare now is different.
Of course, it could be me being fatter and more visibly disabled than I once was. Using a cane in public already feels like a mark of difference that gives people pause at bus stops. Walking in a way that makes precarity apparent reminds non-disabled people “we live in separate timelines” beyond just COVID concerns.
But my mask…my mask seems to always be the worst lightning rod for stares. Those stares that ask without saying words “what is wrong with you? Don’t you know that we all moved past that?”
The feeling it creates has isolated me for years now. Every morning I used to wake up in the basement wondering if spoiling away like a forgotten corpse in an ancient tomb would be better than living. Perhaps it would be better if I was gone.
I don’t feel that way anymore and I have kink community to thank for that.
My local kink spaces have reignited a passion for people within me I thought long dead. The events speak to a tenderness I have been missing after so many years of slow social death. I feel acknowledged with an intimacy that only disability has ever made me feel. In particular, this recognition happens during one type of event: mask required parties.
Masked events in kink spaces have become a way to reconnect with others who have been isolated like me. Practicing scripts about negotiation has helped me clarify shared access needs without losing the fun of conversation. Talking about desires brings up our bodies without centering only the pain and anxiety we feel. Making space to be patient with one another, to highlight our commitment to be COVID conscious, both feels sexy and caring all at once. More than anything, these events have let me find community with other disabled people who crave tenderness just like I do.
In kink spaces, I have found that acknowledgement of my humanity I had long lost with others. In kink, I have found a way to be vulnerable while knowing the value of reciprocal care will be respected. In kink, I have found the depths of my humanity that isolation outside of masked spaces had hidden away.
I have no illusions that my current kink scene is perfect. Bad actors still crop up in the scene and there is still a whiteness that permeates throughout. But whether being hit, tied up, or exploring sensual stimulation, kink gives me a way to imagine otherwise. It allows me to see what else is possible when we value communication and connection.
And you know what? It is quite sexy to embody community values again.
Angela Mogrovejo-Bosch is a Seattle based writer who has worked all across the ttrpg actual play scene. From producing and helping facilitate games to designing and playing in her own, they have done it all when it comes ttrpgs. As a writer and storyteller, she hopes to center marginalized voices and support the stories of her fellow Queer and Trans disabled community. A better world is possible and she hopes to be a part of imagining what it will be.
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