Leveling the Playing Field for Autistic Parents and Parents with Disabilities

It’s 5:45 in the morning and her feet patter into the room. She gets into the bed, rests her head next to mine on the pillow. “Ruff”. “Meow”. “It’s time to wake up, daddy!” I turn and say “Ruff! Good morning, Kenzy. Did you sleep well?” It’s officially time to start the day.

I’m an autistic, biracial Black, transgender person with multiple disabilities. I am also a parent, like any parent. But because of externalized and internalized stigma, I felt that being an autistic parent made me “less than” for the first year and a half of my daughter’s life. While, like most parents, I’m still learning and growing, I now know that being an autistic parent with multiple disabilities does not make me “less than.” However, it does bring a mix of its own challenges, extras, and superhero powers to the game.

In the beginning, I read all the first-time parenting books and figured out some strategies. However, I developed very few practical tips for how to be a multiply disabled autistic parent. Additionally, having an infant and toddler during the COVID -19 pandemic didn’t really provide time to learn the invisible, unpredictable rules of the game. So I took the same approach to the parenting game that I did the college and work games.

This gave me greater self-awareness in connection to being an autistic parent with multiple disabilities. This self-awareness leveled the parenting playing field by teaching me:

● Every parent on the field is a parent to their child. I need to take time to know my child as an individual.

● If I’m focused on comparing myself to other parents on the field, I trip and fall.

● When I meet my own basic self-care needs, I have the energy and ability to better meet my child’s needs in a regulated way.

● I discovered that flexible routines made a big difference in engaging in the activities of the day by helping my child and I with our emotional regulation and easing transitions.

● I will be out of my sensory safe zone and comfort zone a lot. What do I need in my first aid self-care kit?

Community building: I’m always looking to grow my autistic parent community, as well as my other parent-identity communities (LGBTQIA+, disabled, adoptive, etc.). I see a therapist who fits my specific needs. Finding support in books, music, classes, and programs has helped me know I’m not alone on this parenting journey.

Strategizing: As an autistic parent with multiple disabilities, I give myself permission to do things differently. I look at event accessibility and agendas ahead of time. I pick times when it’s not too crowded for shopping and activities. I utilize sensory-friendly and times for public community activities. I also find that mobility-accessible times for outdoor events and playgrounds for all are a great way for me to be a part of activities with my family.

So, what are some ways that YOU can support autistic parents and parents with disabilities?

● Challenge implicit and explicit bias regarding autism and autistic people. To do so requires learning about autism and the autistic community from sources provided by autistic people. This requires asking, listening, and learning from us while honoring our experiences.

● Find out which communication methods for giving and receiving information, including assistive technology, work best and use them consistently.

● Ensuring accommodations are available and easily accessible in all environments and events where children and their parents/guardians are served.

Ultimately, I started this journey because I just wanted to know that I was capable of being a good dad. But as an autistic parent with multiple disabilities, I want to remind other parents that you are not alone. Though we’re in different spaces and places or at different stages of parenting, we’re all on this journey together. We’re learning, growing, and parenting one moment at a time.

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Kris McElroy (he/they) is a writer, artist, advocate, public speaker, and human services professional. He identifies as an autistic biracial transgender man with multiple disabilities who enjoys spending time with his wife and family.